#I’m more sad than anything
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Ending April with a small parting gift. I’m gonna miss this.
Anyways, an announcement of my own.
The short of it
I’m leaving the Watcher fandom. Don’t worry, I won’t be unfollowing anyone, but I will be ceasing the creation of art for Watcher and interaction with the community at large. Thank you all for this short but meaningful ride. Feel free to unfollow me if you were here for Watcher art, and for those who stick around…
Thank you :]
I hope to not disappoint with this new era of mine.
The long of it
It’s been a couple of days since a certain channel dropped an announcement that imploded its fandom. It was… a mess. A lot—and I mean a lot—of us didn’t handle the news well, and we made that known to everyone. The impact was so massive that YouTubers, who are nowhere near the niche that Watcher operates under, covered the situation, and some of them explained very well why the decision went over so poorly. Meanwhile some of them made fun of the situation, and some were just there for the clicks, but that’s the cycle of YouTube drama for you.
With the amount of ears waiting for even a peep out of their mouths, Watcher couldn’t ignore the backlash any longer and released an apology video three days after the announcement. By all accounts, it was a pretty good response. The reception was mixed, but it was definitely more well-received than their first video, and they actually listened to their fans who gave them valid criticism over the sudden shift to a streaming service.
However…
For as much as I appreciate their response, I still can’t find it in myself to continue following Watcher. I really mean it when I say this disaster soured any enjoyment I had for them. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch them again for a long time without thinking about this situation or remembering the people they have hurt, even if unintentionally, through their poor execution of a business decision.
Do I believe they could’ve pulled off moving their content to a streaming service? Absolutely. However, so many factors doomed this decision and their announcement from the start from them believing that $5.99/month was “affordable to everyone” (seriously?) to them insisting that this was for the fans even though the fans have vocalized that they were never there for the high production value. They were there because the three guys who run Watcher were enjoyable!
I feel like if they had been honest about the fact that the TV quality they are aiming for was more for themselves than anyone–hell, it’s the mission statement in their About page, and, I don’t know, considered the idea that $6 is not cheap, especially for international fans, people wouldn’t have gotten so angry at them. Now, there are still numerous issues plaguing this business model, but to go through all of the arguments would require a separate post, and I’ve already expended too much energy on this situation. Needless to say, Watcher has burnt their bridges, and it will take a while before they can build them back up again, let alone get people to trust them enough to cross them.
On the other hand, I can’t blame Watcher fully for my departure. Despite my heavy disagreement with their initial decision, I understand why they thought this decision was a good idea in the first place as YouTube is a very unstable career path, and it would rather hurt its creators with its relentless demonetization, censorship and restrictive guidelines than give up just a tiny amount of its profit. Besides, they’re in control of their content, and they could do what they want with it even if their fans disagreed with them.
Speaking of the fans, my god. The situation revealed a side of the fandom that I never thought I would see, but in hindsight, I should have seen it coming. To see fans resort to anti-Asian racism and death threats so quickly was extremely heartbreaking, and as an Asian person, it made me feel very unsafe and unwelcome in the community.
Moreover, using Steven as a scapegoat to absolve Ryan and Shane of any wrongdoing was unfortunately a very common response. Yes, he is the CEO, and yes, his series being centered on traveling and eating expensive food really doesn’t paint him in a positive light, but need I remind you that RYAN AND SHANE ARE GROWN ADULTS. They’re the founders of Watcher, and they both have to agree to the initial plan for it to be implemented. You can’t assume that Steven was a boogeyman terrorizing your precious little boys just based on a 15-minute video. You don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes.
All of this to say that the initial announcement combined with how the community reacted violently to the announcement really nipped my interest in Watcher in the bud. It was a shame too because I really did love Watcher, and I still do. Had it not been for the time I invested in following them, I wouldn’t have made great friends, regained the joy in creating art–even reviving a hobby/skill that I assumed was long dead, and had a reason to be able to laugh or smile even in terrible days. I truly am grateful for Watcher, and I do not regret ever getting into them at all. However, I think it’s time for me to go.
Thank you all for this weird and wonderful ride, but at some point, you’ll have to hop off. I just didn’t expect to hop off it so soon.
#Back to hiatus I go (for real this time) I’ll see y’all in 3 weeks 🫡#I’m more sad than anything#But alas we move forward#Thank you everyone#It was fun while it lasted#the professor#puppet history#watcher#watcher entertainment#we are watcher#art#chris p fried art#chris p fried rambles
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Thoughts on being aroace
#I like doing these little introspective thought comics they’re pretty fun#I didn’t get to include this in the comic but I do feel like loneliness is maybe not quite the right word#it’s not quite jealousy or envy either#more like#the sad knowledge that you are lower on someone else’s list of priorities than they are on your priorities#something like that I guess#if this seems like a sad comic don’t worry! I am ok :) I have my best friend and we’re both very clear on how much we care for each other#so I’m never really left needing or wanting more love or anything#love is so weirdly defined anyways
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one morning you cling to satoru’s back and sleepily plead for him not to leave for work and he feels closer to killing the higher ups than ever before
#explodes#i am . Thinking abt him#thinking abt him meeting a sweet non-sorcerer who makes him feel normal#thinking abt how weak he is to you and how he never ever ever wants to let you down or make you sad#so when you give him that meek little pout and ask him not to leave you in that sleepy little voice a part of his brain is just like .#��…. maybe i could ask for a day off#even though he realistically knows he can’t#you make him want better things for himself#:((((((((((((((((((((#anyway i’m also imagining him kissing you all over and promising to hurry and being absolutely Stone Cold all day#no messing around no being silly he is a man on a mission and everyone is terrified#he kills the curse so quickly and thoroughly with such a serious expression that yaga asks him if he’s doing okay#💀💀#…. i love him .#he cherishes soft mornings with you more than anything!!!!!!!!!! he wants to sleep in with you…. it’s his dream……..#ari noises ✩#gojo x reader
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I think that there’s a fundamental misunderstanding of what exactly is…happening with Izuku’s character. Specifically in regards to chapter 425.
I’m glad that a lot more people generally recognize that Izuku is not a character that can be read at a surface level, given that he’s both a repressed person with built up emotion of basically everything and also a very glaringly HUGELY unreliable narrator, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I agree with the ways I’ve seen this most recent chapter spoken about.
I see posts, comments, etc with ideas like “Izuku don’t suppress your emotions! Open up with people! It’ll be okay I promise!” When that’s fundamentally not what is happening here.
There’s always always ALWAYS been a distinct difference in character throughout horikoshi’s writing when he is showing that a character is:
A—Avoiding emotions, thoughts, ideas less than ideal for them. Not opening up when they probably should about their problems given that they’ve been handed the space to do so. Just genuinely not acknowledging, feeling, or expressing emotions that they don’t want.
B—Reflecting on the ways they feel about the world, themselves, or other people given their new perspective on a situation. Not outright reaching out to others to talk about these problems/feelings, but instead waiting until the moment they feel they have the most confidence to do so with their new outlook on their own life.
And genuinely, guys, to grab your BkDk attention rn, this is the exact reason why Ochako’s reflection on her feelings for Izuku and thereafter decision to pull away from them WAS NEVER GOING TO END IN OCHAKO EXPLODING WITH HER LOVE FOR HIM.
This was another common interpretation I saw of Ochako and Izuocha for a long time. That because she pushed these feelings away, they were somehow going to explode in this unbelievable way and she would “get the boy” because of it. That her arc would surround accepting her romantic feelings and that she can’t just push away how she feels for a career.
But yk. That didn’t happen. At all. Nowhere close even.
The same kind of goes for Katsuki, allmight, etc. They all had moments in their arc where it was spent genuinely reflecting, and the only reason we as the audience never connected it in the same ways we do ochako or Izuku was ALWAYS BECAUSE the narrative showed their inner thoughts while doing so (mostly because Allmight’s arc after losing OFA and Katsuki’s arc on what it means to be a hero were so intrinsically tied, both starting at the same time and ending at the same time during the final war. And because they were so tied this caused their own reflections, development, and thought process to be broadcasted to us frequently throughout their arcs… to each other. They also somewhat shared aspects with Izuku, but these were cherry picked more often than not, like dvk2 for example).
To us Katsuki never seemed to be.. idk, suppressing his anger in any way because we were always told what he was doing and why (side note: this is why I’ve always thought arguments against Katsuki were so weird, bc unlike characters like endeavor or Ochako he wasn’t like… hiding who he was and how he was changing. Ever. Like the audience knows at all times past basically season 3 what Katsuki is thinking and doing. Like how do you watch this happen, stare me dead in the eye, and tell me how much of a terrible and awful teenage boy he is. Like damn I didn’t think we were this dumb. This is also my theory as to why he’s most popular, his arc is very… in your face if that makes sense). Katsuki’s entire mini arc on reflecting his mistakes and his childhood and his future is spent TELLING YOU that it’s what he’s doing. (I’m referring mostly to the endeavor internship arc, the provisional license exam makeup, and basically everything in the war arc related to him leading up to bakugou Katsuki rising here)
And see, Horikoshi will stare you dead in the eye, tell you “this girl has taken into consideration that she doesn’t want to waste her time training her career focusing on a boy because he kinda caught her fancy”, and y’all will still say that this will explode in her face.
Y’all this is a series about learning how to manage emotions, maturity in relationship to one’s emotions, how to feel an emotion, but in a way that is helpful. Horikoshi isn’t telling you “go buck wild, feel everything all the time and always express it”, in fact he explores why you DONT do that! Through Toga or Shigaraki, they show how grief and anger can genuinely consume you. But he also shows why you shouldn’t just put everything in a box to never look at or acknowledge, or why you shouldn’t just let your grief destroy the world around you, or pretending that some emotions simply don’t exist.
I can’t say this enough, so let me say it now, mha is about the extremes of your psyche. That you should control something, but not too much. Everything can be harmful. Everything can be good.
Izuku is not controlling too much, he’s expressing just enough.
I LOVE shaming this dickhead at all times in all my posts. I love saying he’s an ignorant dipshit with a weird amount of distaste for a girl who just confessed to him. I’ve joked that chapter 348 is basically an entire chapter spent on Izuku calling Himiko a mean dyke. And yet I also believe he’s doing nothing WRONG here.
In fact, I’ll even say that this moment right here?
ISNT EVEN IZUKU DOING THE SOCIALLY APPROPRIATE THING ABOUT IT! But he’s still TRYING to reach out to someone he thinks MIGHT be able to understand. (And frankly, this moment is far deeper than what it’s being made out to be, to me it reads more like an unrequited friendship that Izuku both desires and has thought of them to have, while simultaneously showing the distance Ochako has successfully wedged between them for her own sake. Maybe it was always there though, maybe in weird, miscommunicated Horikoshi fashion, this is a representation of how Ochako always read all those “fun friend hangouts” as a little more than that, and without those feelings the friendship never really held any substance to her in the first place. Where Izuku saw his first real friend at UA, she saw little more than acquaintance)
Simultaneously, Izuku is genuinely reflecting on what it means for the world to change, to be a hero, to live after loss—and trying and failing to gain the connection he desires from individuals who can not and will not afford him that.
Izuku is ready for the world to change, a few select characters are also ready for the world to change (mirio, for example), but not nearly enough are. So maybe I’ll have to take this back if I’m proven wrong and I accidentally looked into this far past what everyone else did for no reason, but I genuinely believe with moments like this
And this
Aand this
That Izuku has come forward with that aspect of his character development. He’s reflecting on his new beliefs, not repressing his emotions for them.
#bkdk#I will also say that while Izuku did do a bit of a fake smile and attitude for Katsuki’s breakdown last chapter#he gets a bit of an excuse for that suppression. theres a time and place to be strong for a friend. and while izuku didn’t exactly say ALL-#the right things or think the right thoughts… he still imo fits into control your heart within that moment#you can ‘be strong’ for someone who’s sad or anxious without you being out to be an ultra suppressive self hating boy man#in that moment katsuki probably would’ve needed that if izuku had said literally anything else but ‘I’m glad I had this dream while it-#lasted!’ and ‘your probably just feeling very weird right now’… DUDE I CANNOT KEEP DEFENDING YOUR ASS#midoriya izuku#mha deku#bakudeku#bkdk brainrot#bnha deku#bakugou katsuki#mha analysis#deku midoriya#last side note lmao: I’ve done like five drafts for this and if this one isn’t good enough hopefully someone better than me can remake this#or I’ll make this at a later time when more things come out#I just knew I wanted this out before the next chapter leaks#which are probably tonight lolllll#oh and I proof read like 80% of this so y’all are getting what you fucking get
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what constitutes being a monster in spn is so deeply interesting bc so much of the show is used to argue that monstrosity is not about what you are but what you do. And that you can always be a better person, your monstrous traits aren’t necessarily actually monstrous.
but as the show goes on we learn that this is only true if dean deems you human. So sams monstrous traits must be buried deep and thrown out in order for him to be good. Sams monstrous friends are inherently evil bc dean says so. Deans monstrous friends are fine though, of course.
I’m just eternally wishing for a version of this show where sams abilities are so deeply ingrained in him that he can’t ever get rid of them. And he’s allowed to be a hero regardless. Give me a season 5 where sams eyes randomly go yellow. Or he has to deal with demon traps or he needs to control his emotions bc anger from him can be literally explosive, but regardless of all of this he still shows dean more compassion than dean ever leant to him in season 4. And regardless of all this he still beats the devil.
#Fr the thread they play with abt what makes a monster in s1-4 is my favorite thing about the show bar none#and I always personally just view it as ‘of course Sam is right. It’s about your actions more than anything else’#despite the fact that the show essentially ends up arguing the opposite#and ends up being like ‘NO. You BURY that shit. You take anything that makes you a freak and you do EVERYTHING you can to get rid of it’ <3#Anyways. I love this show and it makes me really sad#spn#lea speaks#I’m sure this is incoherent#I’m making a lot of personal posts bc it’s rly late and I’ve had v little sleep and I’ve felt kinda bad all day#my filter is low
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Bloodmoon in dresses collection, round two!
And this ones come with lore!
Starting off with Jack’s friend, Original, the lone Bloodmoon.
Due to living in the theatre he has a lot of access to the costumes, which means he can just grab whatever he wants whenever he wants. He grabbed a tutu and painted it red because any other colors are lame, and drew some patterns on it, it was Jack’s idea to add the ribbons, cloak fluff, and leg warmers.
He doesn’t know why, but he really likes these clothes. They feel familiar.
I spent a “normal” amount of time thinking about this next pair.
Bloody and Harvest aren’t ones to change their clothing a lot, but while they were walking around town they saw something that had a cool pattern that they both liked. This is something that rarely ever happens, their clothing tastes are extremely different, so obviously, they had to do something about it. It was later that they realized the cloth they saw was actually a skirt, and they were saddened by this fact for all of five seconds before realizing that it was actually a good thing, they could just wear it over what they were wearing already!
They really don’t look like it, but they’re actually kinda fine with this whole event (even if they really only have one thing to wear)
And the last one for today, Fang.
Fang wanted to participate because Scythe was participating and seemingly having fun, but Fang didn’t know where to get the clothes from. And then Fang remembered that the Sun-Man (Sunset) had a lot of clothes in his room. So Fang stole the dress from the Sun-Man. Fang also saw some pretty flowers on the way back, so Fang took the flowers too. Scythe helped with the hat and ribbons
Ignore the dried blood, Fang got hungry
#sun and moon show#tsams#sams bloodmoon#tsams bloodmoon#sams au#sams bloodtwins#bloodmoon sams#au bloodmoon#dresses#Bloodmoon in dresses collection#part two#electric boogaloo#these ones were very fun to think about#they even helped me cement some characterization for the Bloodmoons themselves#aaand gave me a horrible idea I’m saving for everyone’s second designs#okay it’s not horrible it’s more sad than anything#but also kinda sweet?#it’s solidarity between grieving parties#the grieving is different for them all but y’know the bonding is there#and I’m rambling#I tend to do that don’t I?#whatever#Au Bloodmoon characterization
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my hearts not broken, it’s holding on to the place where it was you and i
#mentally tired#actually sad#depressing life#depressing shit#i'm sad#kinda depressing#actually bipolar#actually bpd#actually borderline#bipolar things#bipolar thoughts#bipolor#sorry for being depressing#bpd vent#bpd feels#bpd thoughts#bpd problems#bpd splitting#bpd favorite person#i’m actually losing it#i’m actually crying#actually mentally ill#i miss her#i miss you#otp: i want you more than anything in the world
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Can we stop villainizing piglins please? They’re adorable, please don’t do this to them
#it devastates me#for more than just my love of piglins#technoblade was a pig/piglin character.#maybe i’m connecting dots that aren’t there#but making piglins the ‘awful evil brutes’ for the last few years makes me really really sad#if they really want ‘evil’ nether creatures#wither skeletons are literalyl right there#and they’re scary!!!#like anything they touch will literally start decaying#horrifying#spectacular give me 14 of them right now#anyway.#minecraft#minecraft movie
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magolor does not know how to be a real person part 5
bro has vulnerability issues so bad he can only laugh at them
#the cup thing is just a joke i wrote out … of a chapter i havent written yet B)#to be apart#idk why i forgot to add some of the usual details but life is too short i don’t care#kirbyposting#my art or something#doodling is rlly more a part of my writing process than anything it just helps me process ideas#magolor#Kirby#gooey kirby#meta knight#sailor dee#queen ripple#are ya winning son#metadad#<- implied. sorta. this is clear enough to tag right#sad metadad lol#oh btw the cup joke was just mags teasing mk#because of course he would#there’s a little ramble i could go on but i’ll spare the rant#anyway if anyone’s curious i’m at chapter 28 with 54k words lol#gonna be honest i’ve felt a little unmotivated to edit and post (to be transparent yeah it’s probably mostly just#that my last 2 updates were met with near silence? not much helping it but apparently seeing responses matters to me#a little more than i thought? with things like this that are such a time investment. Yknow. easy to get discouraged)#but i’ve been having fun with it so you’ll see them eventually#and ofc thank you for reading my tags ramble lol#byebyee
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i’ve definitely gotten spoiled by getting a lot more than average notes on any gifset because now looking at the numbers i’m like…. sigh
#and then i feel bad because i do appreciate the people who reblog basically anything i make#but i feel like everything i make is flopping other than those people#and i don’t know why#i can’t make anything for the next 4 days now#and i have one gifset that’ll take me a few more days still to make#but if that post doesn’t do well it’ll really make me sad because i have never put this amount of effort into a post#anyways i’m just being stupid i shouldn’t be complaining
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klaus loved hope so much but he also failed her in so many ways. yes she saved him but she was also just a girl who wanted her father.
#the originals#klaus mikaelson#hope mikaelson#klope#guys I’m so so sad over them#klaus is kind of a bad dad but he does love her and I think that’s even more upsetting to me than anything else lmao#god I love them
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How we feeling in this fine SOTR day, fam?
Because I’m feeling…something for sure!
#the cover sure is…something#the blurb is fine (better than the cover)#as always The Hunger Games fandom continues to overthink things#or at least my little friend group in the discord.#I have no doubt that the book will be great in terms of content!#for right now… The silence is loud#I just know that this could’ve been so much better in a myriad of facets.#because this is just going to be the same thing that we started with#The only thing that will be new to us are a few characters and possibly a place name and that’s it.#also the more that I think about it the more hideous the cover becomes#and the blurb as well. This doesn’t give us anything new!#The blurb literally tells us everything that we already know from Everlark watching his games in catching fire#nothing fun or exciting.#this could’ve been so much better! Give us more! I’m bored and sad and disappointed!#me#my post#the hunger games#thg#sunrise on the reaping#SOTR
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The weight of the world is a heavy burden
Especially for a child
(Or, in slightly less dramatic terms – I imagine that the first of her past lives that Avatar Suiren [who is the Avatar after Aang instead of Korra in my AU, and also Ghazan and Ming-Hua’s daughter] gets to talk to is Yangchen, because she is too plagued by memories not her own [including Jetsun’s death, fun fact]. And Yangchen wouldn’t want another child to go through what she did on their own)
(Or maybe someone just needed an excuse to draw @katkastrofa’s latest obsession in a context that interests them as well, just in time to maybe cheer her up a little? You can’t prove anything)
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#Avatar Suiren AU#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness#yangchen#original character#sotrl suiren#if you’re wondering what the context is. Suiren is around 8 or 9 here. already having revealed herself as the Avatar to her parents#and it has been Hard. because as much as they try to maintain a sense of normalcy for her. it’s clear that things have changed#they never accounted for their daughter turning out to be the Avatar. they hoped Aang dying on the night she was born to be a coincidence#all of their plans now have to be rethought and put on hold because her safety is more important than anything else#she is never blamed for anything. she is still just as loved. yet there’s now a heaviness in their gazes whenever they look at her#the Avatar as a concept should not exist. it is too much power and responsibility for one being who is ultimately human#that’s what Suiren was taught. so what do those teachings mean if she’s the Avatar?#basically.. a whole lot of cognitive dissonance and she hasn’t even been alive for a decade yet#and all her life her head was filled by strange memories and dreams. fragments of lives not her own. sometimes nightmares#and usually her mama would comfort her through it but tonight… she just wants to be alone#so she wanders off. not too far. but enough that she wouldn’t be heard. and just softly cries#because it’s too much. because she doesn’t want to be the Avatar. why her? why not anyone else?#and as she whispers that she wishes she wasn’t the Avatar. her mind is assaulted by memories of previous Avatars saying the same thing#it really is a never ending cycle of too much burden being placed on a single person. but that realisation is anything but comforting#she begs for it to stop because that grief of life over life spent pushing a boulder uphill is just Too Much#and before she knows it. it ceases. only to be replaced by a blue glow visible even through closed eyelids#and a feather light touch of hands on her face. it doesn’t feel exactly like human hands by virtue of belonging to a spirit#that helps her relax a little. reminding her of mama’s touch. she looks at the person who appeared before her. her mind supplies the name#‘Avatar Yangchen?’. she whispers. but the woman is nowhere near as stoic and peaceful as she’s shown to be in every depiction of her#she looks.. sad. concerned. as burdened by grief as Suiren herself is. she’s not just a legendary figure from a time long gone#not yet another past life Suiren would never measure up to. she’s… human. capable of human emotion. just like Suiren is#I’m not sure how their conversation goes and have no inspiration to come up with anything. but I just wanted to draw them interacting
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have you heard that if you don’t post anything for a long time you’ll end up posting two-year-old sketches? you’re welcome
#all#a*#spn fanart#the urge to Post was getting too strong#i remember being unhappy about something with each of these so i never finished and posted#but now i see something i like in everything :)#the way he looks so different in all of these though… exhibit a of how the delicate balance of his face is so hard to capture#but i’ll die trying <3#honestly sad how i don’t have anything newer to post#a billion sketches but all of them are even MORE unfinished than these lol#may this give me the motivation to finish something even when i’m feeling discouraged
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it’s 3am and i’ve spent the past few hours drawing a bunch of doodles of me and anton hanging out together like we’re the bestest of friends because it’s my art and i can draw whatever i want forever
#i’ll post the drawings this weekend probably#anton oc#wyrms says stuff#wyrms lore#it’s 3am and i am not tired but i also have to get up early so#hey at least i don’t have any classes on fridays so that’s good#wow anton is so cool#wow#wow i love him so much more than anything really#platonically obviously we’re both very aroace#and i know if he was real we’d be best friends we’d do everything together#we’d go see that absolutely horrendous looking minecraft movie on opening night together#he’d talk to me about rats and science and snakes and i’d talk about undertale and tma and gravity falls#we’d have so much fun i’d teach him how to play video games and he would love it so much#and he’d show me all of his weird and wacky science experiments and he’d be so silly about it#and we’d go on walks in his forest and he’d show me all the animals#and we’d comfort eachother when we’re sad and it would be so cozy and safe#we would have eachother and understand eachother that’s all we will ever need#wow he’s just so real to me guys#like he feels so real#and i’m so genuinely sad that he’s not#he deserves to exist he deserves to be happy#the fact he doesn’t exist feels like i lost someone extremely close to me and will never get them back#it’s like i’m grieving the loss of someone who never existed and it hurts#he deserves to exist :(#ouughhh#this is devastating#it hurts#i should go to sleep#:(
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Deadass might be losing my mind. lil personal Toni vent. Just like putting words on paper (a screen in this case). Maybe this is relatable?
So. I go to the gym. I lift heavy. I have put on weight over the years because of this, naturally. My arms and shoulders are MUCH bigger than they used to be. Idk what to say, I’m just stronger/bigger.
My mom and stepdad genuinely hate it. “Stop that” “women shouldn’t lift weights” “you look bulky” “you’re putting on weight” “you’re ruining your body with those tattoos and holes in your face and your powerlifting”
I ain’t power lifting. I’m strength training. Ok but whatever, that’s besides the point.
So tonight I kinda lost my cool (which is unlike me, I lose my cool in the gym, not at home lol) and said “can you just say that I’m ugly and get it over with?” Both of them immediately were like “nonono you’re not ugly that’s not what I meant” so I pressed and asked “then why do you like to tear me down for something that doesn’t hurt you whatsoever? Are my tattoos on my hands/face? Am I unemployed because of my lip piercing? Don’t I work with kids? Does my boss think I’m a delinquent?”
No response. So I took my dinner and ate alone in the den. Mom comes in an hour later and sits next to me and says “I just don’t understand why you do this to yourself?”
Lost my cool again. Said “you know why. I hurt myself other ways when I was younger and got scolded for that. Grew up, covered that up with tattoos. Took back my skin. Had my bodily autonomy taken from me as a child and a teenager. Dont you remember the cops asking 5’3 128 pound me ‘did you try to push him off?’ Well I can now. I can hit anyone back if I need to. I can push and pull and kick and all sorts of things I couldn’t to protect myself and what’s even worse, you ask me to help you lift stuff all the time.”
Sometimes I really don’t get what I’m supposed to do. I have anger issues lol. I’m bipolar, I have trauma. Yes I take medication but that hasn’t magically fixed everything. I’m just better at handling it. But thankfully I have a loving fiancé who pushes me as hard as I push him in the gym. Every set to failure is a little victory for us both. For me, because I feel strong and I prove to myself that I can. For him, because he’s proud of me shaking and fighting to get the weight up. He knows it’s more than lifting a bar and dumbbells to me.
I wish my own parents saw that.
Vent over. Anyways. Phenomenal gym day today.
#ooc post#TW vent#vent post#any other ways to tag this for people to block easily?#ain’t being a downer y’all I’m fine. if anything I’m more irritated and pissed than sad. deadass
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